The Bowdoin Orient

Seconds before starting this week's column, I surfed my way onto ESPN.com and clicked on the NFL home link. After the subsequent page had been loaded, I found a ticker with the appropriate time intervals: days, hours, minutes, and seconds before me. It was in this order that I next read: 02:13:03:39?the countdown to the NFL Draft was on; not that it hadn't been ever since Rex Grossman dejectedly exited stage right after an abysmal Super Bowl performance (yeah, I didn't predict that), but the NFL's most highly-anticipated offseason day was fast approaching, and, just like last year, the No. 1 pick was still anyone's guess.

This Saturday at 11 a.m. on ESPN, the 2007 NFL Draft will kick off?with either a bang, or a cacophony of boos emanating from the forever boisterous crowd at the Radio City Music Hall in New York City. But regardless of who the Jets or Giants take with their picks, there are still the top five selections that will matter the most, especially with what appears to be a promising group of now ex-collegiate athletes. So I'm here to set the record straight, to inform all you that although the following players probably won't be drafted in this order, they probably should be. So without further ado, I give you the top five overall picks in the real 2007 NFL Draft:

1. Oakland Raiders: Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech

Not even the adamancy of owner Al Davis should prevent the worst team in football from picking this future superstar with the first pick. Johnson, undoubtedly the best athlete in the draft, is a monstrous 6'5", 239 lbs., running a 4.35 40-yard dash with a ridiculous vertical jump of 42.5 inches, and better hands than those of George Costanza in his short-lived modeling career. Johnson had a tremendous junior year for the Yellow Jackets in 2006, hauling in 76 receptions for 1,202 yards and 15 touchdowns, leading the ACC in each category but yards. The evidence is there for Davis, and it's blatantly clear?Calvin Johnson is No. 1 overall material.

But the senile tyrant of the city by the bay faces a serious dilemma going into the weekend: He already has a great receiver on his roster in Randy Moss, and what the team really needs is a quarterback. Surely Andrew Water will not be under center again next season for an offensively-challenged club that barely broke the 10-touchdown barrier last year; the same goes for Aaron Brooks and Marques Tuiasosopo, which is why LSU's JaMarcus Russell would appear to be the logical pick.

But I would propose something else: The Miami Herald has recently reported that the Dolphins will either trade or release disappointment (and quarterback) Daunte Culpepper, after just one depressing, injury-plagued season in the city where the heat is on (all night on the beach till the break of dawn...). I'll make this brief: the Raiders should trade for Culpepper at once. Although his last two seasons have been uglier than Freakshow from "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle," he is capable of bouncing back and becoming the all-pro gunner that he used to be; he just needs the right people around him.

Culpepper and Moss drove each other crazy in Minnesota, but neither has been very successful without the other since their divorce in 2005. Settling their differences and being mature adults by just shutting up and playing football would make their reunion that much sweeter, as both withered icons would return to stardom in no time. Culpepper would then have Moss and Calvin Johnson (Jerry Porter, too?!) to complement his cannon of an arm, while revamping a dormant offense?all for probably a fourth- or fifth-round draft pick. It all may sound pretty farfetched, but it's a move that could help Al Davis legitimize his Raiders once again. And let's be honest: This team has absolutely nothing to lose.

2. Detroit Lions: Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson

Ahhh, yes, the infamous Matt Millen pick. Since becoming CEO/General Manager of the Lions in 2001, Millen, thanks to his infatuation with drafting overrated wide receivers in the first round of drafts, has led Detroit to a 24-72 record?worst in the NFL during that span. He has also made other hapless attempts to jumpstart his team on draft day, like with running back Kevin Jones or the abominable Joey Harrington.

Suffice it to say that Millen fancies the offensive players to the defensive ones; and if Calvin Johnson is available at the No. 2 spot, he will be tempted to pounce on him, whereupon his advisers will immediately pull Millen aside in a Slugworth-like manner, and explain to him that the formula for (everlasting gobstoppers) winning championships is a dominant defense.

That's where Adams comes in. He is big (6'4", 258 lbs.), he is fast (4.64), and he is just what the Lions need. Adams finished last season at Clemson with 12.5 sacks?4.5 more than Detroit's leader in 2006 (Cory Redding, 8). And with newly acquired defensive end Dewayne White on the other side, there's no way Millen would pass that up...OK, maybe he would.

3. Cleveland Browns: Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma

No player in this year's draft will have as great an impact in the NFL over the next five years than Peterson, who is finally turning pro. It was almost sad to watch this explosive back rip up his competition for the Sooners as a first-year three years ago, knowing that it wouldn't be until 2007 when he would finally be eligible for the draft. But that day is here now, and no place makes more sense for AP than Cleveland, whose running back, Reuben Droughns, ranked last in the league in 2006 in starter rushing yards with 758.

Reuben somehow managed to become Tiki Barber's successor when he was shipped off to the Giants earlier this winter, leaving an open spot for Peterson, who will embrace the challenge with great alacrity. His large frame (6'1", 217 lbs.) and quickness (4.4), combined with his pure strength and agility will give the Browns their best running back since they were reactivated in 1999. Now if only they had a quarterback...

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville

Head Coach Jon Gruden and the Bucs' front office are hoping that Calvin Johnson falls to them at this spot, but if he isn't there, Okoye should be their pick. Last season for the Cardinals, Okoye started all 13 games, registering a total of 55 tackles with eight sacks and three forced fumbles...as a 19-year old.

It is Okoye's age and not his impressive statistics that makes him one of the most irresistible selections in this year's draft, with incredible upside; that and a willingness to work hard and always follow the coach's directions. He would be an immediate starter as well, significantly ameliorating the present washed-up core of defensive tackles which features the veteran likings of Ellis Wyms and Chris Hovan. So what if Okoye would have been just a three-year old kindergartener?

5. Arizona Cardinals: Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin

I know what you're thinking: I don't have JaMarcus Russell being drafted anywhere in the top five. And why? Because he shouldn't be; unless of course any of these five clubs want to put up with a guy who will ultimately be mentioned in the same sentence as Akili Smith when his career is over. I don't know why you're laughing, Brady Quinn?I think the same about you, too.

Thomas is a safe pick for the Cardinals here, especially with an offensive line that proved to be one of the league's worst with Edgerrin James falling off faster Eiffel 65 post-"Blue." And while drafting an offensive lineman is not always the most popular choice, it is often the right one. Take a bow, Orlando Pace.