The first time I watched porn was with one of my girlfriends, to whom I've always gone for sex advice. When I told her last year that I had never seen a porno before, she was shocked. Eager to expose my "innocent" mind to the world of X-rated images and videos, she grabbed her boyfriend's laptop and opened up his porn folder. Seconds later we were sitting on the couch, watching Jenna Lewis from TV's Survivor having sex with some anonymous guy.
My introduction into porn with Jenna Lewis was fairly tame and considered by most to be "soft porn." I got my real shock when I sat in on a lecture a few weeks ago by Gail Dines, a professor at Wheelock College, who gave a talk called "Sexism, Identity and Intimacy in a Pornographic Culture." The exploitive, degrading, violent images that she showed of women were like nothing I had seen or heard about before, but her explanation of why these images can be so dangerous was familiar.
We all know that porn does not shed a very empowering light on women. The woman who has a man thrusting his penis into her mouth while she is being penetrated from behind by another (these guys throw money at her when they are finished) is treated with no respect. And despite the moaning that porn directors urge, women don't have G-spots in their throats. You might get off looking at this kind of "sex," but I can guarantee the woman being doubly penetrated isn't.
Dines argued that these extremely prevalent sexualized images of men and women in print, widely available on on-demand TV and on the Internet make it impossible for us to decide for ourselves what is sexy. They give us unrealistic expectations of the opposite/same sex when it comes to sex and relationships, and ultimately of how we view our own sexuality. Her Web site says that contrary to popular belief, porn does not create a "more liberated, edgy sexuality, but amasses a produced vision of sex that is profoundly sexist." Women, often the victims or objects of porn, will agree with this.
Now to be sure, and not to preach, or to be prudish, I know enough to say that not all porn is bad. A lot of people find porn to be harmless fun, a way to relieve stress or even learn about sex. Porn that isn't degrading (it does exist) can be a good way to spice up your sex life. In fact, there are a few Web sites that showcase porn that is made by women for women. Porn can let you step outside your own sex life for a moment and fantasize about someone else's.
While sex is everywhere in our culture, it's still considered taboo. The only way young people can learn about sex is through the purely scientific explanations of high school sex-ed and porn. Those are two pretty extreme sources, neither telling us much about real sex. In our culture today, watching porn, especially for men, is considered a necessary step in becoming a "man." According to the Chicago Tribune, 70 percent of men age 18 to 34 view porn once a month. Looking at and watching porn, however, is nothing new. Images of fornication have been around since the beginning of civilization. And pornography flourished in the Victorian era. But never before has porn been so accessible; it's on every one's hotel room TV, only a few clicks away on your parents' cable system, and everywhere on the Internet.
So, why do men watch porn? Jay Leno chalks it up to men needing visual stimulants. Almost all of my guy friends (ones with girlfriends, steady hook ups, and those flying solo) confessed to watching porn frequently, mostly for the purpose of masturbation. Watching porn, they said, is simply a quicker way to get off.
So consider it harmless, but it's na?ve to think that watching it doesn't have any influence on both your perception of sex and your sexual partners. I don't think it's possible for these images not to seep into our minds.
A friend told me, "Girls in porn are dirty and don't have any morals. But I would never think of my girlfriend in that way." I'm not sure this line is so easy to draw. The more men and women are bombarded by these sorts of negative images, the more desensitized we become to them. Are we starting to imitate the porn actors? If so, that can be pathetic and degrading.
One friend said that on a one night stand a guy once asked her if he could "cum in her face." Where do you think he got that idea? Guys and maybe some girls say that a woman likes having a man ejaculate in her mouth or on her face. After all, the woman in the porno was screaming in ecstasy (guys: that's because she was acting). Women do this to please men, not because they secretly want cum all over their faces. Ultimately, porn confuses what women want with what women do to please men.
The porn industry also misrepresents men. In porno land, men are portrayed as stereotypical, misogynistic pigs that have little or no respect for women. That distorted representation isn't fair and can't be healthy to either sex. I think there is a reason why men watch porn more than women?it's because most of the porn out there objectifies women, and women don't like to watch other women being degraded. Most porn isn't helping anyone in our generation know what it means to be a sexually empowered woman, or a sexually confident man who doesn't have to disrespect women. There is such a thing as good porn and bad porn; sorting through it is the tricky part. But there is one thing that porn isn't?it's not real sex.