"Sex is like having dinner," Woody Allen once observed in a famous stand up routine. "Sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously." The same goes for sex in cinema; when it comes to on-screen love, there's a fine line between the tasteful, the tasteless, and the downright tasty.
In the notable films of 2005, directors from Steven Spielberg to Allen himself slid their cameras between the sheets, making sex a character all its own, anointing it last year's most prolific star. Guided by the ruminations of our own coital comedian and featured director Woody, here is a compilation of '05's standout films and the love-scenes that defined them.
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best." Not just proof-positive that Woody went to college, but an insight that describes two of last year's most intriguing yet loveless pictures.
In "Jarhead," 2005's unheralded war film, director Sam Mendes laces the angst of Gulf War Marines with the froth of sexual frustration. At one point in the film, intending to watch the troop favorite "The Deer Hunter," the men stumble across footage of one soldier's wife furiously consummating an affair with her neighbor. As the platoon shrinks in disgust and anger, the scene becomes an obituary for any hope of their post-war return to normalcy. Alienated from love back home, all the soldiers can do abroad is replace the "woman" with the "rifle."
David Cronenberg stirs up a more insidious brew of sex and guns in "A History of Violence," about a small-town man with a secret past. After Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen) and his wife Edie (Maria Bello) face-off over his allegedly dark origins, their quarrel devolves into a raw tussle on a wooden staircase. With the ferocity of the love?unrivaled by any film last year?the audience winces at every groan from both the actors and the floorboards. Sensing the dangers of the situation he had concocted, even Cronenberg reportedly requested stunt pads for his lead players. Like the scene itself, both "History" and "Jarhead" are bruising, coyly hypnotic, and hard to love.
"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
The "40-Year-Old Virgin" has fun with both. In a film that didn't need to be anything more than crude, a balanced Steve Carell and a fine script propel this comedy into the realm of just plain swell. Turns out that between the carnal "expertise" of his sex-crazed peers and his own virginal cold feet (figuratively imagined by an old toy collection he can't bear to remove from its original packaging), the sincere abstinence of Carell's Andy Stitzer is the sanest and sweetest mindset of all. When Andy finally gets to whip out his "mint-condition" Million Dollar Man, we are treated to a glorious goof of a musical number--a satisfying climax to one of 2005's most likeable movies.
The unfortunate honor of earning accidental laughter goes to Spielberg's otherwise sobering "Munich." As a film about the frightening but irresistible addiction to revenge, it's never more startling than when Spielberg decides, against better judgment, to add sex to the mix. What's meant to be a heartfelt finale becomes a bafflingly sweaty lesson in how to nearly ruin a film, as Speilberg inter-cuts flashbacks from the tragic kidnapping of the 1972 Israeli Olympic team with shots of Eric Bana making love to his wife. It's still a must-see, but for a picture already just a few ounces from heavy-handed, this poorly realized scene tips the film's scale toward schlock.
"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful?provided you get between the right man and the right woman."
What if, however, such intimacy takes place between a woman and a 30-foot ape? Or even, say, a young boy and a library bookshelf? You can witness the latter in "The Squid and the Whale," a torture rack of nostalgia about two brothers enduring the wrath of their parents' divorce. Even if you've never thought about romancing the reference section at H&L yourself, to witness young Frank act out love and hate for his parents is to personally recall and relate to the myriad quirks that made childhood what it was. Mining a reservoir of both humor and discomfort, "The Squid and the Whale" gets the recipe for cinematic sincerity just right, aptly envisioning the seesaw of influence between generations and the cringe-worthy union between boy and furniture.
Finally, for this season's beloved primate-pic, "King Kong" provided the oddest of odd-couples with nary an on-screen kiss to show for it. Despite the impracticality of the romance, viewers can't be blamed for thinking that had the military not shown up to interrupt this three-hour date between femme and fur, the outcome would have most likely called for a pair of cigarettes. Kudos to Jackson for bringing the relationship to the edge of real love; it's a daring move that pays proper tribute to the audacity of the original (in a deleted scene from the 1933 classic, Kong investigates Fay Wray's dress, then sniffs his finger). Whether it was the film's already excessive fixation with big slimy things or just good old sanity that held the ape's affection to pedestrian cuddling, Jackson gets an honorable mention for at least raising our eyebrows to the possibility of a romp in the jungle.
Save for a few notable omissions, those were the big sex scenes of 2005. Allen's own "Match Point" boasted the most attractive on-screen couple in Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and Scarlett Johansson, but ultimately felt like less than the sum of its stylish parts. "Brokeback Mountain" seems a sure thing come Oscar time, making its inclusion unnecessary in this rather orgiastic collection. The year 2005 was not, in fact, about going steady with one great picture, but about enjoying the handful of movies that proved worthy one-night stands. No doubt Woody would salute the joyful polygamy that marked the cinema last year, once reflecting: "Sex between two people is a beautiful thing. Between five, it's fantastic."