At a small college like Bowdoin where everybody knows everybody else, dating becomes more than just two people liking each other-it becomes a campus-wide affair. Your coaches, your professors, your teammates, your friends all get involved. Especially your friends. Which makes breaking up all the more difficult. If dating and hooking up occurred in a vacuum (or, say, a large university) there would be no consequences to ending the relationship except for, you know, personal emotional damage. But as it is, breaking up with someone affects more than the couple. I mean, really, WHAT ARE YOUR FRIENDS SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE?
Relationships tend to begin in similar ways. Whether it's a hookup or a crush, people tell their friends. This is when they first get sucked into the situation. Then, as the couple progresses to talking in public and casually dropping by each other's dorms, they have to start working on the friends to ensure the relay of messages such as "Yeah, dude, she's a really cool girl-go for it," and "Oh, he's so sweet!" This has the dual effect of a) putting pressure on the person whose friends are telling her to go for it; and b) minimizing future complaints from friends who will feel like their buddy has been lured into a typical life-consuming NESCAC-style relationship.
Then the sleepovers start and there's no turning back. Roommates see people in compromising situations (positions?) and have to talk to them in the morning. Everyone learns about their friends' significant other's daily schedules and family problems because the friend in the relationship adopts them and/or won't stop talking about them. Things are going smoothly and friends accept the new boyfriend or girlfriend into their circle and all is well. Until the breakup.
Blair explains, "I was put in a very awkward situation when my roommate broke up with her boyfriend. I mean, I'd been hanging out with him, with her, for a while now and I didn't know how I was supposed to treat him anymore."
When two people break up, do they break up with each others' friends too? If one person has screwed over someone else or treated them really badly, it's easy to choose sides. But what if it was mutual?
Carrie feels terribly about the fact that her bad breakup with Lance has made it hard for her friends to be friends with him. "I honestly don't care if they want to be friends with him, but I can't myself and I know that makes it harder. I don't even think he really talks to them anymore, and I feel awful about it, but I think it's too weird for everyone involved to pretend that nothing happened."
And it all gets a million times worse when two friends date. When Jay and Talbot broke up, all of their friends who had been friends with both of them since freshman year basically had to pick a team. What ended up happening was that most of the boys supported Jay and the girls Talbot, but all the girls lost one of their best guy friends and Talbot misses the guys with whom she used to hang out. Which is why, of course, friends should never date each other while still beneath the Pines and instead wait until they run into each other in a year at the Beacon Hill Pub to start their relationship.
I think what is most important for the friends of a recently broken-up couple to remember is that they have no choice but to stick by one of the exes more than the other. This would most likely be the one with whom they are better friends or the one who needs the most support. This does not necessarily need to be the friend of the same gender; Kiki will never forget how Stuart stuck by her when she broke up with his roommate. This does not preclude staying friends with the other person; obviously you should not have to stop talking to someone you like just because your friend has, you just have to remember that they are each going to be very sensitive on the topic of the other and you must concede to walking on eggshells until they are both somewhat over it (the time period, it must be acknowledged, may be different for each ex.)
There are, however, two cardinal sins that friends may not commit regarding a broken-up couple. Someone who wishes to still be considered a friend may not, under any circumstances, date or hook up with the ex. This is akin to pushing a friend out of a sixteenthfloor window of the Tower. It just cannot be done.
The statute of limitations for dating is after graduation or two years after the relationship is done-whichever comes later. Hookups are slightly more forgivable-I would say a graduation or a year, although that's still pushing it.
Likewise, friends may not, if they want to continue to be liked, set up exes with someone new, no matter how adorable they think they might be together. The same boundaries exist as dating the ex yourself-graduation or two years-and this is really nearly as bad as the aforementioned transgression because it's more or less second-degree dating. The most important role friends can play in a breakup is that of a supporter and both of the above actions would violate that bond.
And so, when you break up with someone, think of the repercussions-you're not just hurting yourself. And if your friend breaks up with someone, try to be sympathetic and minimize awkwardness. It's a small pond we live in and throwing a stone in will just make it rougher for all of us.