Everybody hurts sometimes when sipping Falkenburg Riesling 2014

Bottom of the Barrel: YOUnity incorporates local flavors in ‘Maine’s House Wine’

Have you ever noticed that Bowdoin College is in Maine?
The valleys of Bordeaux. The dusty shores of Portugal. Napa. Great wine often conjures up Mediterranean climates, small plated meals, big price tags. Cheap wine often aspires to Mediterranean climates and small plated meals through fancy looking labels and overly complex names. Buyers may grab a bottle thinking they will escape to a small village in the foothills of Vesuvius only to find themselves still very much in the foothills of suburban New Jersey.
Well, folks, guess what? We may have found a reasonably priced bottle that aspires not for the Old World, but for our dear old Pine Tree State.
Our selection this week, YOUnity Winery’s House Wine, is unabashedly Maine in it’s branding. In fact, there are nine references to the state of Maine on the label alone. The bottle’s description speaks of “wicked-good pasta” and “wicked-good times” with family and friends. YOUnity’s branding is unpretentious, fun and whimsical. Not to get ahead of ourselves, but the wine is awesome. The bottle is even more awesome. No irony here—merely appreciation for a charming, New England graphic.
Upon uncorking, the wine pours pinkish-red. Think back to the mushed blueberries on your face during the summer of your fifth year. That color. The nose is distinctly sweet. The legs longer than a NASCAR race.
The initial taste was semi-dry and distinctly sweet. Our mouths were initially confused; blueberry wine serves as a distinct tasting experience from more traditional grapes. You often hear of berry notes in wine, but this is a berry symphony. Owner Clem Blakney emphasizes, “This IS NOT a blend with grape but 100% Blueberry from our supplier in Stockton Springs.” Blueberries are really truly the prime fruit. It’s impossible to name something that isn’t improved by the addition of blueberries. Pancakes, salsa, motor oil.
This is an adult complex wine for non-wine drinkers and wine drinkers alike. It is complex without being biting. It’s sweet without being Pixie Stix. It’s certainly a more delightful conversation than any talk anyone has ever had with our mutual friend Allen. This wine makes you feel good, and we sincerely think it is more than just the hefty 13.5 percent ABV.
Additional Notes:
Tonight's Soundtrack: John Cougar Mellencamp's Greatest Hits
Justin: "I feel like this wine is giving me a hug."
Will: "While drinking this wine, I really wish I were back home, scouring my old man's closet for some ratty Brooks Bros. polos."
Nose: 3/5
Legs: 5/5
Mouthfeel: 3/5
Taste: 4/5
Overall: 4/5

Bottom of the Barrel: Ellis "La Forza" Palmieri '17 joins us to uncork a taste of Italy

Senior year is all about friendships—and crippling stress but I digress—so what better way to start our first wine column of the year than to invite our dear friend and housemate Ellis “La Forza” Palmieri ’17, co-captain emeritus of the much-vaunted Bowdoin Rugby Football Club, to join us. Ellis spent all of winter break in Italy, and that mere fact alone means he already knows more about wine than either of us.
With our internationally travelled friend on the mind, we selected a Bell’Agio Chianti 2015, proudly bearing both the wicker-basketted bottle oft associated with wines of its kind and the candles used at the Cub Scout Spaghetti Dinner fundraisers at which Will used to work. A wine that displays its national and regional origins so proudly is perfect for this, we thought, seeing as such a wine must truly try its best to represent its roots well. We hoped to impress La Forza with our eye for fine Italian vintages, knowing that his potential disappointment in it would leave us in the lowest of spirits.
This wine smells of dust despite its young age. Smelling this wine dims the lights of whatever room you’re in to the luminosity of a single lit taper. All sounds take on the din of quiet conversation. Suspense lingers on every sniff. The taste reveals the wine to be a heavy hitting red, reminiscent of certain boxed varietals found in regions across our great nation. Tasting reveals a change in equation. Nuance is not on the table. Justin was quick to note that the wine tastes like what he imagined wine tasting like when he was at the table with his parents at various Italian eateries. You’d think the buttery grapes would glide you to the hill towns of central Tuscany. However, upon second and third sip, it appears your journey has been redirected to somewhere of a different tone. Tuscaloosa, perhaps? Or could we be detecting notes of Happy Valley, Pennsylvania? The mouthfeel left by the bev was vinous, to say the least. Seconds after the garnet liquid passes down your throat the taste of what one can only identify as wine lingers.
With that, we’ll leave you with this:
The Palmieri Review
Many thanks to Big Billy Schweller and JJ “Drama” Ramos for the feature in this week’s article. As they’ve already informed you, I spent my winter traversing the wine country of my homeland experiencing only the finest of this succulent red fruit. The aforementioned journey across Italy became a sort of spirit quest to reestablish my innate connection to the grapevine.
If I learned anything from my dear mother (Hi Mom!) who was more than generous, and more than quite insistent, that I partake in the tasting of fine Italian wines, I would say that the Chianti proves underwhelming among the ranks of its peers. While the Chianti is able to pose as a good wine to the lesser-versed wine drinkers that sit to my right and left, the true Italian wines of Amarone and Brunello are the heavyweight fighters when it comes to Italian wines. To settle the long standing family debate over which carries more weight, I’ll use this credible and well established wine forum to be the first to publish the final verdict—Amarone is a better wine than a Brunello. Chianti is nice if you like grape juice, but the real wine drinkers won’t go wrong with an Amarone.
Additional Notes
Tonight's Soundtrack: "Why Do Fools Fall In Love?"-Frankie Lyman & The Teenagers
Justin: "This wine would gain a full star rating if I had an Italian delicacy to pair it with. RIP to the ball Scamorza left home over break 1/21/17-1/22/17."
Will: "I can't say I'd buy this wine to drink again, but I can say I'd buy this wine to keep a few bottles in my room for the aesthetic."
Nose: 4/5
Legs: 3.5/5
Mouthfeel: 2.5/5
Taste: 2.5/5
Overall: 3/5

Bottom of the Barrel

Everybody hurts sometimes when sipping Falkenburg Riesling 2014

This piece represents the opinion of the authors:

December 2, 2016

Wednesday December 25, 2002: Chevy Chase, Maryland

It was a still morning, 36 degrees Fahrenheit, and the smell of my mother’s mahogany balsam 3-Wick Candle filled the air. Christmas morning, bitches. Few moments in life are filled with more excitement and anticipation than the Christmas mornings of your youth. But this year was different. This year there was a craze sweeping the nation. This year Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire hit stores. I had sent St. Nick an analytical paper detailing why exactly I deserved a spot on the nice list. It was perhaps my greatest work. In return I had asked for one of the two games. Truthfully I had a preference for Ruby but I was in no position to be picky. So that morning, filled to the brim with enthusiasm, I immediately ran towards the Christmas tree. Within moments of shredding the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer wrapping paper, I knew. Underneath that exceptionally crafted exterior laid a brand new Easy Bake Oven. Underneath that exceptionally crafted exterior laid disappointment.

Sunday, August 25, 2013: Dewey Beach, Delaware

The surf is soft as you wake Sunday morning, mouth tasting like crab cakes, heart heavy. You’re two weeks from starting your freshman year of college—you applied early to Dartmouth, but bygones...The broken air conditioner of your family’s timeshare, two blocks from the beach, clangs. Its noise is not why you slept poorly the night before. Love, or rather love lost is why you slept poorly the night before. Erica. Hell, did you ever love Erica? It sure seemed like it just two nights ago when you shared a Marlboro Gold with her under the boardwalk, enjoying the relaxed curfew earned at age 18. She was back in town from her freshman year at The New School, grown up, sophisticated, cultured. You thought this was your break. That’s when you asked the question, “So, how do you feel about long distance?” For three summers you talked with her at beachside barbeques, yearning for stolen kisses, late night confidences. There was an awkward silence in the air, each second feeling like an eternity, and then she responded “Sorry kiddo, I’ve got a man in the city.”

Monday, November 28, 2016: Brunswick, Maine

It’s past starting to get cold. It’s downright chilly. It’s dark. Our guts are heavy from a week of binge eating. However, our spirits are high. We arrived at Bootleggers, over in Topsham, with dreams of finding the perfect pre-final paper mood elevator. Copping a bottle of something toasty to cuddle up with. We were prepared to fork over more than the standard $10 for something special. We were overjoyed to find that for $12 we could get something exciting, though slightly a-seasonal: an ostentatiously packaged Falkenburg Riesling from 2014.

As wine columnists we’ve striven to toe the party line: wine is a pretty dang good thing. We’ve waxed poetic on how it can help set the atmosphere on a melancholy evening alone, how it makes you want to sit in the back of a Wraith with the starlights on the ceiling, how it is simply tasty and an object worth enjoying. We expected, when purchasing the Falkenburg ’14, to be stunned. The German wine comes in a 1.5L bottle stretched to resemble a cross between the majesty of the Saturn V rocket and the modernist je ne sais quoi of Brancusi’s Bird in Space. Loyal readers of the column will know that empirically, the cooler the bottle, the better the wine. Well, now we can say that’s not always the case. The ol’ Falkenburg is gross. A disappointment greater than that of Easy Bake Ovens or unrequited love. It is hardly worth noting flavor profiles. There isn’t much to say other than: were we you, we would not buy this wine.

Additional Notes

Tonight's Soundtrack: "Everybody Hurts"-R.E.M.

Justin: "I'd like to thank my parents for getting me all the Pokemon paraphernalia you could possibly imagine."

Will: "I feel like Yu-Gi-Oh! doesn't get as much shine as it deserves these days."

Nose: 1/5

Legs: 2/5

Mouthfeel: 1/5

Taste: 2/5

Bottle: 5/5

Overall: 1.5/5

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