Say no to 'Sí': Pinot grigio honeymoon over too soon

Bottom of the Barrel: Merlot-ering the bar: Beringer falls short of oaky dreams into sour wasteland

Rules were meant to be broken, and what better way to start our turn at the helm of this column than by breaking the prohibition uttered by Paul Giamatti in the award-winning film “Sideways”—“I’m not drinking any fucking Merlot.” The film looms large in our consciousness as we obstruct the wine aisle in Hannaford.
Will’s mother expressly forbade him from watching it as a child, and despite a priest’s glowing review of the Alexander Payne project in a 2004 Sunday sermon, Martin emerged from a late-night viewing last year feeling more than ever like a 45-year-old man.
We settle on a 2013 Beringer Merlot, whose handy flavor spectrum on the back label both previews its flavor profile and renews our appreciation for Bowdoin alum/sexologist Alfred Kinsey.
Despite lacking the bottle-recommended “grilled meats” to pair, we decant to the scenic vistas of Coles Tower and swap anecdotes to establish our viticultural bona fides (at last reckoning, Will’s summer trip to Napa barely eclipses Martin’s semester of drinking €3 bottles of tinto in Spain).
In a beautiful homage to Ryan Peabody and Dan Lipkowitz’s first column two years ago, Will spends seven minutes sawing through the wax label with one of Moulton’s finest butter knives.
And with some MacGyver-inspired finagling, Martin finally opens the bottle with a novelty corkscrew Will snuck past the TSA en route to school.
We let the Beringer aerate in our newly purchased mason jars (Hannaford inexplicably does not stock stemware) before we taste.
We are confronted by a strong alcohol scent but soldier on and take a sip. The taste is milder than the smell.
While the bottle claims hints of currants and oak, the flavor instead assumes a more generic citrusy-sour note. Will notes that the wine has no legs, appreciating how the Beringer neglects to stick to the sides of our mason jars.
Subsequent tastes reveal hidden flavors, leading us to a begrudging respect for a wine that seems comfortable with embracing its $7.49 identity. The overall impression is one of thinness; the wine is quite drinkable. If you like the idea of water, but hate the taste, this might be the drink for you.
Our decision to go with Merlot was willfully contrarian, an attempt to buck the decline in California Merlot cultivation in the wake of “Sideways.”
However, Wikipedia happily informs us that the wine, made from the blue French grapes favored by blackbirds, had already enjoyed its day in the sun in the nineties thanks to a “60 Minutes” report promoting the French diet.
While we are certainly enticed by the idea of drinking Merlot as a step on the path to Continental fitness, the wide variety of interchangeable French reds means that the Beringer is unlikely to make it into a regular rotation in our theoretical wine cellars.

Bottom of the Barrel: Top of the barrel: Bertani Amarone makes Kickstarter dreams come true

Despite Bernie Sanders' best efforts, casino capitalism still reigns supreme in the world of collegiate wine criticism. Thanks to the generous soft money donations to our Kickstarter (SuperPAC), we found ourselves saddled with the troublesome burden of spending $135 on one bottle of wine. Freed from the tyranny of the Powers-that-be on the Orient editorial staff, we embarked upon a glorious odyssey.
Hannaford, with its plebeian $29.35 cap on wine prices, could not service our prodigious need. We looked instead to the West, traveling to the distant environs of Freeport’s Bow Street Market. Unfortunately, our journey eerily paralleled the opening pages of Stephen King’s “The Mist.” Conor Tillinghast, our normally capable chauffer, decided to take the “back route” to Freeport—inadvertently plunging us into a haze reminiscent of an Epicurial milieu. With great courage, your esteemed critics ventured forth.
After a perilous 10-minute journey, we were rewarded with the Bow Street Market’s expertly curated back-room liquor department. We inspected the wares and, after much searching, chanced upon Bertani’s 2009 Amarone della Valpolicella—priced at a paltry $114. Emboldened by the store’s gracious cashier, we returned to Brunswick on the more orthodox freeway.
Comfortably settled in Yellow House, our first order of business was to let the wine breathe. CNN’s pre-debate coverage helped pass the half hour before we could finally imbibe our ill-gotten gains. As Lincoln Chaffee confusedly ambled upon stage, so we too ventured into a realm to which we were not sure we belonged.
A hearty pour into our trusty mason jars presented a rich velvety color heretofore obscured by Beltani’s dark-horse of a bottle. Will’s quick swish revealed the finest legs your humble critics have yet to observe. Sturdy, thick, and robust, they provided the perfect support for the full-body that greeted us upon our first taste.
What can you say about a wine that has it all? Like a 7-layered dip, each quaff imparted a multitude of distinct, yet well-blended flavors. A sweet fruity greeting gave way to a smoky, almost spicy undertone as the wine sojourned through our oral cavities. To put it bluntly, we felt the Bern. Maybe even a little Chaffee. Despite the Amarone’s overwhelming dryness, we couldn’t help but reach for more after every delectable sip.
At this point, Martin decided to update his MacBook to OS X 10.11 “El Capital” so as to remove any and all technological distractions. Even with this impediment to our note-taking abilities, the complexities of Bertani’s offering were permanently imprinted upon both of our consciousnesses. Long after we finished, this wine ignited within us a lingering warmth—the kind of warmth that only money can buy. We felt like a proverbial Scrooge Mcduck, diving into a proverbial pile of gold coins.
Readers have corked up our mailbox, clamoring to know the answer to one simple question: was it worth it? In a word, yes. In more words, if we asked to spend $114 dollars of other people’s money at Bow Street Market for a Tuesday night debate companion, we would have a hard time saying no.
Additional Notes:
Tonight’s Soundtrack: Anderson Cooper’s dulcet tones and asinine questions
Will: “This is great. Let’s launch Kickstarters every week ad nauseam.”
Martin: “I feel like Moses entering the Promised Land. But just like him, I know I won’t be here next week.”
Nose: 5/5
Body: 5/5
Mouthfeel: 5/5
Legs: 5/5
Taste: 5/5
We would like to thank our wonderful Kickstarter supporters and we look forward to delivering your rewards soon.

Bottom of the Barrel

Say no to 'Sí': Pinot grigio honeymoon over too soon

This piece represents the opinion of the authors:

September 23, 2015

After glowing reviews of our column two weeks ago from both our mothers (the only women we are beholden to), we have decided to push on with Sì’s bold Pinot grigio offering. By bold, we mean that Sì boasts the most exotic wine bottle design present in Hannaford’s wine alley. Not wanting to fall victim to the sophomore slump, your esteemed critics gravitated towards the most gimmicky bottle we could find. The result is Sì’s geoduck of a bottle.

While the intention may have to been to mimic wine skins of yore, we find ourselves with an especially Freudian take on the traditional wine bottle paradigm. A cobalt blue sheen augurs a progressive take on the Pinot grigio—fitting given its grapes are oft belittled as a mutant clone of the Pinot noir.

Given its bottle's curvilinear nature, perhaps Sì stands as an abstracted homage to the shofar blown at the end of Yom Kippur (Shanah Tovah!). Regardless of symbolic significance, Sì scores points for its convenient twist-off screw cap that rendered our preponderance of novelty corkscrews unnecessary.

In an effort to bring an air of authenticity to our tastings, we paired our wine with its natural partner: extra sharp Somerdale cheddar. The cheese packaging’s explicit recommendations made this pairing an easy choice. Who are we to say no to a cheese that knows what it wants? Of course, buying cheese necessitated buying the redeemingly bland and ubiquitous Carr’s water table crackers. While this column remains devoted to wine, we can’t help but praise the crumbly texture and decidedly dairy flavor of Somerdale.

Since one reviewer foolishly forgot to chill the wine before drinking, Martin is forced to wrap a wet paper towel around the frame of bottle and place it in the refrigerator to speed the cooling process. However, Sì’s neck presents a daring challenge to wine-lovers everywhere: its parabolic curvature offers no clear hints as to proper pouring technique. We daringly proceed, anxious of spilling this ostensibly divine nectar on 14B’s majestic lion rug.

Will then graciously outlines the major tasting steps for white wines.

The first exploratory sip introduces an overwhelmingly sour flavor, but one should persevere regardless.
The second sip coats one’s mouth and prepares the taste buds through thorough swishing.
Lastly, the third sip reveals the wine’s true flavor.

Our devoted adherence to these commandments resulted in a much more complex flavor. Sì coquettishly revealed hints of citrus adrift in a medium body that fully warmed your esteemed critics on a chilly 52º evening.

We were also pleased to notice that unlike last week’s Merlot, Sì offered a very visible set of legs. Unfortunately, our satisfaction diminished remarkably after that initial honeymoon phase.

What we originally took to be interesting quirks of the Pinot quickly revealed themselves to be naught but a shallow veneer. The medium body gave way to a flimsy, almost tedious feel, leaving us disenchanted with what had only recently seemed to be a promising specimen.

Sì’s fantastic bottle design and enchanting initial flavors compelled us to say “yes.” Sadly, a long-term sensory relationship with the wine left us downhearted and disappointed, forcing us to say “no” to Sì.

In order to rectify our gloom, we have embarked upon an entrepreneurial endeavor. We are excited to announce the launching of our “Top of the Barrel” Kickstarter campaign. We are seeking to crowdsource the modest sum of $100 in order to fund the purchase of a truly exceptional wine. With enticing rewards to our benefactors, we hope to successfully regale our readers with a masterful critique of outstanding bottle of remarkable vintage in the near future. Details can be found here.

We will also graciously accept physical donations in the form of Diners Club cards, travellers cheques, and Spanish doubloons.

Additional Notes:

Tonight’s Soundtrack: ABBA

Surprise guest Jay Vaidya: “Will, you just ooze consulting.”

Martin: “I can’t smell the wine tonight because I’m sick, which is a blessing and a curse.”

Nose: 2.1/5

Body: 2/5

Mouthfeel: 3/5

Legs: 3.5/5

Taste: 2.5/5

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