Editor’s Note, Thursday, August 25, at 7:15 a.m.: Another student from the Class of 2022 contributed to this column, but their name was removed from the by-line for extenuating circumstances. If concerned, please email orient@bowdoin.edu. 

Kyra Tan

Yes, it’s us: the Love Doctors. Yes, we’re still unqualified and no, we did not learn how to “write good,” in our absence. Our Thanksgiving breaks were really not good but we will lie and tell you they were “super fun” if you ask us in person.

OK, now onto the good stuff. We know that many Bowdoin students sat down at Thanksgiving dinner only to be accosted by relatives or friends who were dying to know why they were still single. We believe that the best way to combat this is to get yourself into a deeply romantic relationship by the holidays so you can go back and flex on all of your family and hometown friends. We recognize that most of you readers (actually all of you) are not nearly as desirable as we are, so we’re gonna dumb this one down for you.

If you are not single, that’s great! But seriously, keep it to yourself. No one wants to hear how happy you are. Truly no one.

Step 1: Ponder possible love bugs

This one sounds a little creepy, but the basis is pretty simple: find someone to be your new honey bear. Be careful however, it’s important to know your limits and remember what happened to Icarus when he flew too close to the sun.

Step 2: Engage flirtation devices

Now that you have found that special someone, it’s time to start laying the groundwork. Try to make contact with them in genuine ways, whether that be working together on homework or planning an elaborate scheme in which you “randomly” run into them and immediately fall in love. When engaging in conversation with your romantic interest, try to make eye contact and give off positive body language. Start with phrases like “Hi, how’s your day going?“ instead of “Hey doll face, how’s it hanging? Wanna see my foot with 6 toes?”

Step 3: Number time, baby

At this point, you have formed a decent relationship with the other person (or you’re just gonna shoot your shot, which is cool too). Depending on how bold you’re feeling, you can do this in a cheeky way, like asking if they would text you about the homework you totally don’t know how to do, or you could just go for it and ask them to be your new honey bunches of oats. The value of this step cannot be underestimated. As Kate’s cousin said, “It’s not real until they deserve their contact in your phone” (yes, we did crowd-source material for this article and this is the best we got).

Note: This would also be a good time to kneecap your new lover’s marriage pact match.

Step 4: It’s time to actually go on a date

As the Joker says in the brilliant film “Dark Knight Rises,” right before he watches cruise ships blow up (that movie was incredible, right? Right?), “Here. We. Go.” This is the big time, so shave everything and put on your drippiest outfit (if it’s a wetsuit, you’re doing something wrong). Remember, the holidays are fast approaching so this needs to be a top tier date. Maybe take them to Paris, Lisbon or Mexico, because we hear those are really romantic places and they’re all in Maine (bet you didn’t see that one coming). In all seriousness, take this at your own pace. This first date could be a dinner at Thorne, a movie in town or a quick bowling trip to Brunswick’s best attraction: Bolos Kitchen, Cantina & Candlepin.

Step 4.5 (because we thought we should keep the total to a round number): Develop a relationship

Go on more dates if there is a shared desire to get cuffed. If not, repeat steps one through four. Try to develop a real relationship, because your relatives will see right through it if you don’t actually love this person.

Step 5: Seal the deal

Take this as you will. (Sorry, we’re running out of words. Please sign our petition #GetLoveDocsMoreWords.)

At this point, we can absolutely guarantee that you will be as cuffed as the pants on any self-proclaimed “crunchy guy.” In addition to getting to rub your new relationship in the face of your single cousins, you also probably have a new person who you’re excited to get to know better, which is cool too (we guess). When you get back to Bowdoin, you can even start eating those girlfriend (gf) only foods in the dining hall (when are they going to start serving gluten free food?)

Wasted words on that petition joke,

The Love Doctors