In a surprise email, the long awaited decision of Bowdoin’s plan for the spring semester has finally been released. And we won’t sugar coat it—things look pretty bleak for our first years. It was decided that, after being used as guinea pigs to see if everyone got COVID-19 while back on campus, the first years have served their purpose and are to  be shipped home in November, not to return until next year.

In honor of the brave class that went blindly into the danger zone, we would like to highlight a few traditions that have been developed by this first-year class:

The first floor of West decided to start Ice Cream Bar Tuesdays, where the core group is only allowed to eat ice cream and vitamin water.

A random group of students have been heard singing “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas somewhere in the vicinity of Moulton. It seems to happen at inconsistent times, but one theory is that they only emerge when it dips below 60 degrees.

An entrepreneurial group in Chamberlain decided to start a Ponzi scheme by using the Bowdoin provided landlines. The logic behind that was so that the feds couldn’t track their location or identity. According to sources, that didn’t work.

On a more serious note, the mood around campus has darkened, and not because the heating has still not been turned on despite 36 degree nighttime temperatures. The first years, disappointed by the news, have turned into what some staff members describe as “zombie-like apparitions,” shuffling around campus and morosely playing beer pong. However, some first years are already making plans to live off campus, including the sociology students starting a commune in Round Mountain.

It has been an honor being your Page 2 Editor.

I’m still going to do this job, but from home, so I won’t be able to report on the nitty gritty around campus. But believe me—the spirit of your beloved Page 2 will remain the same.

Weekly Soup Review:

Hearty Vegetable Soup: Was disappointed to discover that there were, in fact, no hearts in this soup. 2/10

Three Sisters Soup: It was raining when they served this, which made it 100x better. Happy (late) Indiginous People’s Day! 10/10

Soup of the Day: You know when you get assigned a paper and it says you have to write between 10 and 15 pages but you’re fed up with everything so you write nine and a half pages in size 13 font? This soup has the same flavor. 5/10

Chicken Tortilla Soup: Very flavorful, although there was an entire tortilla floating around in the soup container. 6/10

French Onion Soup: To my surprise, the soup shouted “Imbécile!” and lit up a cigarette. 3/10

Butternut Squash Soup: Fall vibes all around. 9/10

Lentil and Black Bean Soup: After one spoonful I felt like doing yoga at sunrise in Southern California after doing a sage cleanse and posting about veganism on my timeline. 7/10