I will be absolutely BAFFLED if Bowdoin doesn’t go completely remote this semester. Call me bitter or a pessimist or whatever, but I know a sinking ship when I see one. Wild Oats moving to Cook’s Corner? Sinking ship. Grey’s Anatomy? Sinking ship (pull the damn plug already Shonda Rhimes, this act is getting tired). The Classics department? Actually NOT a sinking ship, love u guys, really rooting for you out here <3. Bowdoin College in Brunswick, ME? Sinking ship! Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure campus life has its perks right now. I, too, would be willing to ignore my college going up in flames if I got to eat dinner on the quad every night. But such is not the case and I’m deadass in my parent’s basement right now so I WILL be calling sh*t out as I see it. Now, I do think Bowdoin is destined for failure, but I’m not so certain it will be because first years can’t keep their damn hands off each other and follow campus guidelines (although if ur a first year and reading this, wear ur f*cking mask and follow the rules xoxo). Here’s the moment you’ve been waiting for: ranked, from least to most likely, are my predictions for what will finally send Bowdoin over the edge this fall.

1. The squirrels unionize and form a paramilitary force

2. The asbestos from Park Row comes back

3. Irene, Doug and Connie stage a walkout (this one would shut down the state of Maine though)

4. It’s revealed that Bowdoin is a made-up campus created by Harvard’s Sociology Department for an in-depth study on the happenings of a college campus and the trial has finished

5. Susan Collins somehow disbands the College so as to eliminate an influx of Democratic voters in the state of Maine

6. The Bowdoin Organic Garden takes over and makes a full-scale weed farm on the quad

7. The ghosts of lobster bakes past finally get their rightful revenge

8. Something starts to smell weird in Sills Hall and they just decide to call it quits for the semester.