I am grieving a lot of things about this semester. I miss the cigar lounge we call Moulton Dark Room. I miss the intimacy of hearing someone else’s soft weeping on the floor above you in the Stacks. I miss the cigarette bench outside of Coleman Hall, and I am especially mourning the loss of getting to be a washed-up upperclassman. I had my first Zoom call today for a class that had first years (huge shoutout to my girls in EOS 1105…Thursday Lab Group C for lyfe <3), and I was actually taken aback by how optimistic they seemed. There was…dare I say…light in their eyes? A glimmer of hope that comes with the promise of new beginnings? A genuine sense of interest in the subject matter? I was shocked. At first, I just thought to myself “they got to see Irene from Moulton today, of course they’re happy,” but I honestly don’t think that’s it. Call me crazy, but I think it might be because they’re actually…on campus?? I know it’s kind of a far-fetched theory, but hear me out. I did some soul-searching, engaged in some lengthy communication with the cosmos, etc., and I have uncovered the Fall Residence Horoscopes of Bowdoin students. I can’t say the truth won’t hurt, but it will set you free xx.
Portland, ME: I’m actually going to live in Portland this semester, and I genuinely feel like the fabric of my life is falling apart at the seams, but we are overlooking that for now. EVERYONE ELSE that is living in Portland: I have a crush on you. You’re cool enough to live in a city of 66,000 and make it look interesting. You probably know where all the underground vintage stores in this tiny ass town are. I bet your go-to drink is something unique and sophisticated like a dark ’n stormy. I bet you once had a cigarette addiction but you’ve kicked it now. I bet you know how to style scarves. I want to know your takes on Faulkner. POINT IS: hit my line if you are living in Portland, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
Middle-of-nowhere, Maine: If you’re at Lake Sebago, I hope you’re enjoying your Walden Pond moment. If you’re in Millinocket…good luck Charlie, try not to catch the virus <3
Parents’ Vacation Home: F*ck you >:(
Harpswell, ME: Forever a soft spot in my heart; I wish you only good things.
Brunswick, ME: Pack it up, the page has turned! If you’re not locked into a lease here because you’re a senior, I’m just going to assume you have no creativity. If you’re going to be here, though, at least do me a favor and don’t let Shere Punjab go out of business.
Deferred: You got out when you could, and I hate you for it. No complaining about missing Bowdoin for you—I hope your camping trip through Zion or whatever goes terribly.
Biddeford, ME: Chances are, if you’re living here, you’re an athlete. Wear a goddamn mask; the Bowdoin community has their eyes on you.
Parents’ house: You’re coming out of this on top. Think about the money you are saving, and also the amount of damage you are saving your body from by not exclusively eating Annie’s mac ‘n cheese all semester. I want to be you but know I never could.
Somewhere on the west coast: You’re ~not like other girls~ and really just gave Maine the middle finger and dipped. You will have organically produced serotonin this semester, and if you’re in the other Portland, double cheers to that. Hope your semester goes swimmingly.
On campus: I really want to bully you guys here. I really do. I want to call you mean names; I want to say your first partner never really loved you; I want to say you’ll never truly experience a robust and complete sense of being alive. But honestly, you guys are living the life I want to lead. You’re thriving. You probably have skin care routines that work. You are unbothered and balanced and also the possibility of a spring semester is entirely in your hands so please don’t f*ck it up for the rest of us <3.