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May 1, 2020

I was a yearbook writer in high school. Yes, no need to comment, I know that is literally the most useless job in history. My memory of it is punishment enough, thank you. It kinda pains me to think about all of the hours I spent fixing comma splices in copies about homecoming dances and sophomore cheer seasons, but I guess the Orient has some sense of humor and considered that the same thing as writing jokes because I was literally hired as the comedy writer this year due to my experience in yearbook. Touché, assholes.

When I applied for Page 2 I didn’t really know what it was. I was just informed that it was the ~whimsical page~ and I’d have to be there on Thursday nights. I decided to #yolo it and applied, and not even a week later I was posted up at my desk learning how to properly format a Security Report (yes, Randy and I email … don’t be jealous <3).

Anyways, I was trying to think about what my final Page 2 of the year should be about, and I just kept drawing blanks. I consulted my friends, asked the gnome that lives under my patio and even took it upon myself to see what my predecessor had done last year (btw cannot believe you ended with a crossword Diego … SO dirty to leave people without the answers). I was pretty stuck and figured I was just gonna cop out with a listicle or something, when I realized I just have a shitload of random Page 2 ideas/excerpts in my notes app from throughout the year. These range from straight up nonsensical (one just reads: “ORIENT IDEA: Tupac???”) to ideas I honestly should have pursued. So, in true Page 2 fashion, I have made a fun little listicle of every Page 2 idea I have ever written down with a cute and fun commentary of my thoughts on each one now. This is a little too meta and probably a bad idea, but buckle up because I’m committing to this! Yeehaw!

1. “Hot take: Epicuria sucks. All it is are those trying to f***.” This cute little number is from November 14th, and I’m almost positive it is a discarded idea from the week Page 2 was just a bunch of limericks about Bowdoin. The heart is there, but the execution is weak. 7/10 idea, with a pity point for effort.

2. “Pick up lines used by lax players.” I have actually no clue where I was going with this one considering 1. I have never talked to a lax player in my life and 2. I have never had anyone use a pickup line on me, so I DEFINITELY have no clue what a lax player’s pickup line would be. What’s even better about this is that I had no potential pickup lines listed, just literally these seven words. I was likely headed for a balls joke, though, if I had to guess. 4/10 idea, clearly I didn’t know what I was doing.

3. “Most haunted buildings on campus.” Okay, I actually went through a mildly obsessive phase about the prospect of there being ghosts in Hubbard, and when I wrote this idea down I’d also recently learned about the cadaver rooms in the basement of Adams, so I was having a moment. I’m very much over this phase, I promise, but also if anyone wants to talk I have a lot of theories about the Shannon Room. 6/10 idea.

4. “Alignment chart of yogurts here.” Thorne brunch has some WILD concoctions that scare the sh*t out of me. I may not know much, but I do know that maple yogurt should be ILLEGAL. Sound off in the comments if you want. I’m ready to fight about this one. 8/10 idea, should have done this one.

5. “Bowdoin boys you will meet on spring break.” The ideas for this one included dragging BOC kids going to Canada, everyone who went back to their hometown and regressed (me) and … people whose lavish trips got cancelled because of the coronavirus. 🙂 Wrote this one in my notes before the hellstorm that is our life descended 🙂 hahaha this hurts 🙂 0/10, terrible idea.

6. “People on zoom who suck.” This one I actually could have done for an article this week if I didn’t suck, but alas, such is life. You guys know who I’m talking about for this one though. Always readjusting their damn camera. Choppy ass videos. Walking around while on camera and carrying their phone/laptop. Just insufferable. 8/10 idea, maybe Buzzfeed will co-opt this one from me.

7. “Four comments and I cut my bangs.” This one was just a title idea but honestly, I stand by what I said. If this article gets four comments, I’ll look into it. Leaving unranked depending on how this goes.

8. “Bowdoin alignment charts.” In a similar vein as my yogurt idea but with less flare. These I actually took it upon myself to create, so I’ve included them below.

P.S. if you don’t know what an alignment chart is, your parents probably loved you enough to restrict access to the internet while you grew up. God bless.


Anyways … that’s literally all the content I have. Thank u for reading <3.


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  1. Christoph says:

    cut the bangs.

  2. ’19 Alum says:

    …. okay but have they resurrected the root beer yogurt from parent’s weekend brunch 2019??? Because if that’s not chaotic evil, I don’t know what is

  3. class of '21 says:

    Here for bangs

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