Volume CXXXIII, Number 19 March 29, 2002 f

Cheating: What is it?
KARA OPPENHEIMER

Kitty and Ritchie had a typical Bowdoin relationship. They had been hooking up pretty regularly for two or three months, usually once a weekend when there had been a party at Ritchie's house. They had pleasant conversations during the day and no awkwardness the morning after a sleepover, although they had never been on a date and didn't refer to each other by any sort of label like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." But after the night that Kitty walked in on Ritchie hooking up with another girl, he could not understand why she was so upset and accused him of cheating. Unfortunately, what is and what is not is often unclear. So this week, I investigate WHAT IS CHEATING?

In many cases, cheating is easily defined. Jackie called herself Frank's girlfriend, so when she slept over at another guy's house, it was clear she was cheating. On the other hand, when Dave went home with someone else, Lily couldn't call it cheating because she and Dave had really only hooked up a few times and sporadically at that.

But what about more ambiguous circumstances, such as Kitty and Ritchie's? The two hadn't discussed the parameters of their relationship, or whatever it was. At the same time, the fact that they had a routine established over a significant period of time means that Ritchie's actions would certainly affect Kitty.

Does merely "affecting" someone constitute cheating? Because if this were the case, whenever a person hooked up, he or she would be cheating on anyone who could have a crush on him or her at the time. Knowing that another person likes you can't be called cheating.

However, it is pretty clear that Ritchie was, in some form, disrespecting Kitty. If trust and respect are the foundations of a true relationship, then cheating is an act of dishonesty and disrespect. Too often such actions are excusable under the auspices of an "undefined relationship." But regardless of definition, if two people have any sort of understanding, even if it is only based on routine, breaking it is a breach and is cheating.

Caitlin comments, "If you hook up with someone four times in a row, it's definitely something. Three times and it's still random, but four means that it's known you will go home together. It doesn't have to become a relationship after four; it can stay as just a hookup. But there would have to be a definite end before one person could really start with someone else."

Dave agrees. "Yeah, after three it's just like I know I can go home with her. So if she left a party with some other guy I would be upset, no doubt. I know she's not my girlfriend, but that's still not okay- I still expect her to respect me."

Research and experience have yielded some more truths about cheating. First of all, it is impossible to cheat on an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Of course it is certainly possible (and quite tempting, really) to break bonds of trust and respect once a relationship has ended. But when a relationship is over, it's over. The people who look upon their ex-boyfriends' consequent hook-ups as cheating are slightly delusional.

That said, there are a great many ways to disrespect an ex, especially by badmouthing them to consequent hook-ups and significant others. This is really quite un-called-for and the fact of the matter is, it's just plain cruel. People who do such things should probably be punished by lethal injection.

I have also found that it is extremely possible to cheat on someone with an ex. For unknown reasons, some people believe that once a relationship has ended, the exes are free to hook up with each other indefinitely and without consequence. This is wrong, especially in the case of people with a relationship at Bowdoin who hook up with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends from home. It is not all right to claim that hooking up with an ex-boyfriend is not cheating. It may, in fact, be far more harmful to one's current relationship than if it had been an utterly random hookup. If one wants to get back together with an ex, he or she should break off the current relationship cleanly and honestly before going back. Doing otherwise would be unnecessarily hurtful and unfair.

Cheating doesn't usually happen without involving a hookup. As Carrie says, "You can't really cheat by just talking to someone else." She is right, except that relationships do have a sort of intimacy that goes deeper than sex. Achieving that sort of familiarity or confidence with someone other than one's boyfriend or girlfriend may be construed as cheating, and in some cases, it is rightfully so.

Consequently, while we all know cheating is bad, we may also find ourselves guilty of it by lack of clarity. So here it is, spelled out again: cheating may be defined by a display of disrespect and/or dishonesty towards someone who is not wrong to expect you to privilege them over another person, for whatever reason. It is never warranted and rarely justifiable. In keeping with the spirit of the holidays, I will conclude by reminding you to do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.