Volume CXXXIII, Number 17 February 22, 2002 f

Spears's Crossroads hits speedbumps
MONICA GUZMAN
ORIENT STAFF

Well I hope you're satisfied. I sacrificed myself for all you people who want to read a scathing review for once- regardless of the suffering that entails on my part. So last Saturday my brother and I went to Hoyts in disguise and joined dozens of giggly little girls in a showing of Crossroads, the most recent Hollywood disaster starring that could've-been-but-fortunately-never-was-Bowdoin-student, Britney Spears.

Crossroads features Spears in a stereotypical feel-good road-trip chick flick. (www.crossroads.com)

I have to admit that the movie surprised me: I thought it would be inhumanly horrible, but actually it was just really bad; I thought it would make me throw up, but actually I just broke out into maniacal laughter; I thought I would lose my reason for living, but actually I just cuddled into a fetal position in a corner and started mumbling.

Crossroads tells the here-we-go-again story of three ex-friends who go on a road trip to California for their own selfish reasons and somehow (as there is no actual plot to help us understand) learn on the way that they can be "best friends forever!" Oh boy!

Try as it might, Hollywood couldn't convince us: we know that Britney can't act beyond a Pepsi commercial, and that Dan Akroyd is way too ugly to play her Dad.

The three girls are highly worn out molds of stereotypical teenagers. Kit (Zoe Saldana from Center Stage) is the popular girl with an attitude. Mimi (Taryn Manning) is the trailer-park burnout who got pregnant while drunk. Then, of course, there's Lucy (Britney Spears), the virginal valedictorian/school nerd whom all young girls should look up to….

Whoa- back up- does this movie actually expect us to believe that the perfectly tanned, well-dressed, absolutely beautiful Britney is a straight-A geek who's never done it?

Bull.

Crossroads thrusts Britney's near perfect looks at us in hopes that we overlook her total lack of acting talent and that some guys bother buying tickets. Exhibit A: the opening scene shows the innocent Britney seductively singing Madonna in skimpy panties. Exhibit B: the innumerable "check her out" up and down body shots of the "diva." Exhibit C: thirty total seconds of pure navel shots.

The only imperfection in this girl's physique was the permanent pimple caused by a gummi bear that someone had thrown onto the middle of the screen.

Tamra Davis (Billy Madison, Half-Baked), whom I'm sure Britney's agents must've held at gunpoint before she agreed to direct this film, did what she could with the nonexistent story and sultry cast to make something that may be called a movie. Sadly, there is simply no way to mold crap into art-or even entertainment. Hopefully she'll recover someday.

If anyone you know over the age of 12 tells you they liked this movie, look at them funny and walk away-they've been infected, and may try to spread the disease. Give them time. Soon, they'll recover. Soon, my friends, we'll all recover.

For more nastiness, visit www.cinnamoninformatics.com/fantazmya