Volume CXXXIII, Number 14
February 1, 2002
Diaries of an IM baller
Whew!!! That was a tough, hard-fought battle. I let it all hang out.
My inside-outside game was flowin' as I worked it down low and on the
wait...this is a basketball column, not my imagination running
wild as I try to fall asleep.
Mm-hmm, so yes, back to basketball. Truth is, I don't have an inside game.
I am strictly an outside player; I don't like mixing it down low with
those sweaty brutes-it messes up my hair. And when I do venture in the
slums (God forbid), I usually get both verbally and physically abused.
Like, during a pickup game recently, I skied high for a rebound and came
crashing down on my face, without the ball. Looking up in a daze, there
stood a giant with the ball.
"You, scrawny long hair, stay outta my house! Come in here again
and I'll scalp one of your greasy locks for a souvenir!"
My response: "What, you think you're a tall drink of water or something?"
That usually shuts them up.
That's the thang, on the court you have to stand up for yourself. As soon
as you let someone get to you, it's over. They prey on you like rats on
cheese. And I'm no piece of cheese. I ignore the junk by staying focused.
Usually I just pick a popular tune from the radio and let it play over
and over in my head.
Take my routine shooting the ball: Square up, bend knees, release, follow
through, "I'm not a player, I just crush a lot!" Swish.
Visualization is key too. Did you know Olympic athletes replay their events
over and over in their head before they actually put on their uniforms
and compete? Same thing with me (although we aren't so pretentious to
need uniforms in this league, remember, it's for love of the game).
I am constantly visualizing my conquests on the court. In class today,
for example: Mitosis begins with the division of cells along a cellular
membrane aided by cellular proteins embedded in the plasma membrane
left, step right, head fake, touch rim
. now practice with the ball,
Michael. Hey, don't rush the neurolinguistic transmitters, you gotta plant
the seed and let it grow. Word.
In terms of games, they haven't started yet, but they will soon
my friends. Res Life is probably still working out the TV contracts. Damn
media, it's always about the Benjamins with those bastards.
Until then, we won't practice for fear of injury. How distraught would
you be if the star you came to watch couldn't play because of an injury?
Yeah, me too. Just don't slip on the ice fellas, it's nasty out there.