A report from the IM ice
"There is only one rule out here, and that's go hard or go home.
If we don't see blood on the ice at the end of a match, we know there's
a problem." These are the words of Commissioner David E. Mountcastle,
master of Bowdoin's supreme winter athletic endeavor, intramural hockey.
Each winter, hundreds of Bowdoin students take to the ice to compete
in intensive and often brutal competition, and this year promises to be
This year's action has gotten off to an amazing start. Teams like Old
Number 7 (led by that crushing dude Evan Dewhirst '03), Hookers on Ice,
and Hired Help have leapt to the forefront of the standings after early
victories, while the Cleveland Steamers (obviously named after the famed
watercraft), Coleman Blades, and TPS Memo have had slower starts.
One thing that has characterized this year's action over others has been
the prominence of private franchise teams. "Usually the best teams
are the ones from the social houses and dorms," quipped Assistant
Commissioner (and Residential Life lackey) Billy Soares '02. "I guess
our privatization scheme is finally bearing fruit with so many independently-based
teams in the lead this year.
"I hope this doesn't mean they cancel the Social House system,"
While President Mills' office issued a statement saying that it was "very
disappointed" with the performance of the school-sponsored teams,
it also assured us that all first year proctors had been threatened with
expulsion if they didn't improve the performance of the school-based teams,
and that the social house system would not be repealed.
The season itself was in danger of being cancelled before it even started.
Our inside source at Residential Life, "Bobby G," as he identifies
himself, gave the Orient inside information concerning leaks to
the media regarding a suspected-steroid and grade-fixing scandal as the
cause of this year's cancellation of the A-League season.
If true, these allegations would not only violate all NESCAC recruiting
and academic practices, but certainly also bring charges of human rights
abuses from the World Court in Geneva.
Commissioner Mountcastle hotly denied these allegations in a tense interview.
"That's a total fabrication. I can't believe you'd print crap like
that!" he said. "I would never condone steroids or grade fixing.
I swear, the reason we're not having an A-League season is that there
was simply not enough interest. End of story."
Though a cursory examination of the evidence seems to point to Mountcastle's
explanation, there have been complaints to the contrary. Junior Ed Bair
complained of being suddenly and mysteriously "knocked out of A-League,"
while Adam "Sack of A's" Corman acridly commented, "Sure,
they didn't have enough teams. That has about as much validity as claiming
to get drunk of O'Douls."
Thus, this year has only seen the B- and C-League action, which has intensified
the speed and physicality of the action. Old Number 7 has led the B-League
action with their sobering power.
However, there are concerns that losing silent junior Seth Obed to an
international hockey squad will hamper the team's chances for success.
The best team so far, without a doubt, has been Hookers on Ice. Led by
Asst. Commissioner Soares (who received a special pass from Lily to play),
the Hookers have smashed all competition that has dared to face them.
When asked about why they were playing so hard, senior ringer Mike "Doza"
Carlson said cryptically, "We're doing it for Val. You just wouldn't
understand our loss after they stole our little white friend. I miss him
Other fine performances on the team, from spicy Junior Rambo Miller and
first-year sensation "Egon" have rounded out the team.
Juniors Tim "Yanni" Lazarus and Hugh "Hank" Hill,
however, have been the real power behind the team. Their skill, speed,
and grace have caused many to compare them to figure skaters crossbred
"These guys are by and far the best players on the team," Soares
said. "Sure, they don't know how to ice-skate, but ever since we
gave Yanni Flabio's anti-rugburn knee pads and tied a pillow to Hank's
ass so he wouldn't break his tailbone, they have been a clearly dominant
force on the ice."
In other C-League action, the Ruggers on Ice team has faired better than
expected. Under the slicked-back leadership of senior Lindsey Pettingill,
the girls have spanked their competition with a relish. They've been hampered
only by sophomore Ashley Inderfurth's repeated and unexplained attempts
to cannonball through the actual ice itself, said inside team sources.
In closing, the words of brain-damaged sophomore Warren Dubitsky seem
appropriate. "You know, I really have no idea how to skate or use
a hockey stick. So I just strip off my shirt and slide around the ice
on my belly," he said.