drugs, and Andrew Dice Clay
MANGIARACINA - COLUMNIST
So, I'm at the Café getting a cup of coffee before class,
when Professor Tricia Welsch, the film studies department herself, stops
me and tells me I'm cheap. How dare I waste my time reviewing low-rate
movies, when instead I could watch something of merit and actually contribute
some worthwhile criticism. I thought I had addressed this issue in last
week's column. I was running late for a class and I did not have time
to defend myself. My argument is this: sure, I could review a film of
great quality, like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, one of the most wildly
magnificent films to come out this year, but a lot of other people have
already commented on how good they think it is.
Why bother writing a review of Crouching Tiger for a college
newspaper when you can just pick up a copy of The New Yorker and read
a review far more insightful and informed than anything I could write?
And who wants to read straightforward criticism in the college newspaper
when the majority of the criticism we have to read for classes is so convoluted
and steeped in indecipherable academic mumbo-jumbo to begin with?
No, I'm not going there, at least not in this paper. My job
is to entertain and make people laugh with dick jokes (I bet you're snickering
already, it's just that easy. Dick jokes.) I'll save the real criticism
for an English paper. I'm tired of acting smart. Sometimes it just feels
good to be stupid. When I write a review of the latest straight-to-video
Andrew Dice Clay featurette, I'm fairly confident that I am the only person
whose written a single word about it, and it gives a chance for my readers
to experience the movie without having to watch the wretched thing. And
speaking of Dice, let's get on to the film.
Whatever It Takes stars Andrew Dice Clay, the long-forgotten
'80s comedian famous for such mock nursery rhyme humor as "Little Miss
Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider
who sat down beside her and said, 'What's in the bowl, bitch?' Oh!" Hearing
jokes like that again takes me back to my childhood and reminds me of
the time my cousin stuck a 2 Live Crew tape in his Teddy Ruxpin doll.
The Dice man plays an under-cover investigator whose partner
is played by Don "The Dragon" Wilson. I guess Don Wilson was jealous of
The Dice man's ultra cool nick- name, and gave himself one as well. The
film opens with images of women's butts as they lift weights. Next thing
I know, the screen says "Two Weeks Ago," and we're inside a car with Dice
and "The Dragon." Dice is shouting expletives at his ex-wife over a cell
phone. He hangs up. "You need to be more sensitive towards women," the
Dragon tells him. "They have different needs than we do." He's talking
to Andrew Dice Clay.
Our dynamic duo, Crouching Dice and Hidden The Dragon, find
themselves inside a warehouse where they are about to bust a major drug
dealer. But before the deal goes down, the slimy drug dealer's ex-girlfriend
shows up with her 13-year-old daughter. The ex-girlfriend is "jonesing
for a fix," but she doesn't have any money.
The drug dealer will give her a hit in exchange for sex with
her daughter. Of course, there's only one response any good mother would
have, "April honey, now you be mamma's good little girl, you be nice to
him and remember to mind your manners." The Dragon is disgusted and blows
his cover. A shoot-out ensues, and the thirteen-year-old girl gets shot.
Fade-out to black.
It's the present, and the Dragon is still haunted by the
young girl's death. He and Dice have just been given a new assignment,
to bust the largest steroid dealer around, Paulie. Paulie distributes
steroids and human growth hormone to athletes all over the country. "We
got athletes crawling up our assholes for this stuff," he boasts.
The Dragon joins a local weightlifting club where he knows
that Paulie's distributors hang out. There he befriends a female bodybuilding
trainer. Steamy romance soon follows. While in the gym locker room, one
of Paulie's muscle-bound henchmen offers the Dragon some steroids. "No
thanks, I heard it makes your dick fall off," he says. "You better watch
yourself little man, 'cause that's bullshit. You wanna take a peak?" The
muscle-bound freak takes off his leotard, fade out to black. Just kidding.
The Dragon tells him that he has connections and can deal the stuff to
pro teams back east. Soon enough, the Dragon is working from the inside,
getting closer and closer to busting Paulie."This is going way too fast,"
says one of the agents to Dice, voicing his trepidation about the impending
bust. "Everything goes way too fast for you. When did you actually cop
your first feel, your golden wedding anniversary?" jests the Dice man.
"Aww, f*ck you!" retorts the agent. "No f*ck you," Dice responds. "Awww,
f*ck you in the ear!" "F*ck you." "F*ck you." "No, f*ck you!" And so on
and so forth.
Meanwhile, the Dragon gets more and more involved with his
trainer, Marla. Little does he know, she's accidentally blown his cover,
and Paulie's really mad. The Dragon introduces Dice to Marla. "She is
fantastic!" the Dice man exclaims just as Marla starts up her car. BABOOM!
Marla blows up.
Now Dice and the Dragon are really ticked off, so they hunt
down Paulie and his men. They shoot a lot of big guns and punch each other
until Paulie and his gang are no more. The movie ends with the Dice man
telling us that he doesn't like farmers because they are stupid and wear
overalls. The End. Survey says: B+. See you next week.