The Bowdoin Orient

December 1, 2000
Volume CXXXII, Number 10

Don't forget to ask for Dolph Lundgren

by SIMON MANGIARACINA - COLUMNIST

Much to my chagrin, both copies of the latest Hulk Hogan feature-length film were on loan at Video Galaxy, as well as Women's Penitentiary 6. I hope that this week's film, The Peacekeeper starring Dolph Lundgren (The Punisher, Universal Soldier), is a worthy substitute.
   When I got the movie home, I noticed that the actual video cassette had been released by Dreamworks and that its running time was 204 minutes. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. I popped the cassette into my VCR. To my horror, the movie that played on the television screen starred George Clooney and was called The Peacemaker. I grabbed the tape and stormed into Video Galaxy.
   I approached a shaggy-haired clerk and announced, "I rented a movie called The Peacemaker starring George Clooney, but what I wanted was The Peacekeeper starring - "The shaggy-haired gentleman cut me off and said "Dolph Lundgren."
  He was proud to have anticipated this detail. I was impressed by his knowledge. He looked at me with smug assurance, "Common mistake." Indeed. Obviously I am not the first Dolph Lundgren fan to come home with a movie starring that namby-pamby George Clooney.
   Not only does The Peacekeeper feature the esteemed Mr. Lundgren, but also stars Roy Scheider ("Smile you son of a bitch!") as a nameless President of the United States (Mr. President to you and me, and even his closest friends), and none other than Montel Williams.
  Dolph and Montel become close friends, as they dodge terrorist machine gun fire together and exchange witty remarks: "How do we get out of here?" "That way." Not since Gibson and Glover has a white guy/ black guy duo been so charming.
   You want plot? Here's your damned fancy-pants plot: Dolph Lundgren is Lt. Frank Cross who is famous for ditching his military duties to pilot cargo loads of rice to starving Kurds. His punishment for making these altruistic but costly deliveries against orders is either a court marshal or a new assignment with the government. Cross chooses the latter.
  His new task is to carry the "black bag," a hi-tech brief-case/ computer which contains the launch codes for our nuclear arsenal. Lt. Cross's job is to follow Mr. President around, protecting the "black bag" with his life. Well, wouldn't you know it, but a bunch of terrorists steal it from him.
  But Dolph doesn't give it up too easily. In one of the most ridiculous car chases ever captured on film, Dolph speeds after the terrorists from the roof of a parking garage, hopping from one building to the next, rooftop to rooftop.
  Soon enough, Dolph makes his way into a highly secured government nuclear missile silo where the terrorist group has killed every officer but one: Montel Williams!
  Montel and Dolph team up and kick some terrorist rump. But they can't act fast enough, as the terrorist leader launches the first missile and destroys. . . Mt. Rushmore. Hmm, oh well. I think I could live without that. Oh right, I guess some people live in South Dakota, but we won't trouble ourselves too much over that detail.
  Unfortunately, Montel gets shot in the leg quicker than he can say, "Are you raising a Teenage Monster?" so he doesn't play much of a crucial role. Dolph is faced with a knife-wielding terrorist lackey who asks, "You wanna die dick-wad?" Dolph kills him with an axe.
  No one calls Dolph Lundgren a dick-wad and lives to tell about it. No one.The gripping climax puts President Roy into a bit of a pickle.
  The terrorist leader demands that Mr. President either shoot himself in the head on live national television, or he'll blow up Washington D.C. What do you do, Mr. President? What do you do?
  Well I won't tell you what he does, because you'd be best off finding out for yourself. What I will tell you, is that when Montel is asked by a reporter in the wake of the disaster, "Who was responsible for what happened?" he can only answer with one word: "Einstein." B+