November 2 is four days away. After weeks of intense debate and careful consideration, the Orient is ready to endorse a candidate for President of the United States. We believe this man has the will, wisdom, and winning attitude to lead our great nation for the next four years. We speak, of course, of Red Sox Manager Terry Francona.
Over the past month, Francona has proven himself time and time again on the baseball field. Why not give him an opportunity to do the same in the White House?
Moreover, after months of "flip-flopping" and bungled speech, America needs an alternative. We need an antidote for "politics as usual." And we're not talking about Ralph Nader.
If Francona can fit a baseball-sized wad of chewing tobacco in his left cheek, he can surely reduce the budget deficit. This man is prepared to tackle the challenges that confront America.
Want a "coalition of the willing?" Look at the Red Sox Nation. Against New York, Francona led the Nation to victory over the "evildoers" in a mere eight days. Hell, with Francona, we don't have to worry about forgetting Poland (apologies to Doug Mientkiewicz).
Francona also possesses an uncanny ability to see potential and make tough decisions. Sticking with Mark Bellhorn? Come on. We all questioned Boston's favorite boozehound at some point after his 3,248th strikeout of the post-season. Lo and behold, Bellhorn cranks three crucial dingers for the Sox. Johnny Damon? Are you kidding? The guy was 0-for-the-ALCS until his six RBI slugfest in Game Seven.
Terry Francona possesses the resolve, dedication, and steadfast leadership America needs. Only he has shown the special skills necessary to lead such a ragtag group of cowboys to the world championship.
Actually, on second thought, we want Francona back for the 2005 season. So never mind. Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox for its first World Series victory since 1918.