Hello, precious readers!
Despite my explicitly expressed aversion to answering questions about love, I have received many. Thanks, jerks. Three of these inquired about how to find a sweetheart. See them combined below: 
Dear Katherine,
“Where should I go to meet a lover? Teach me your ways, oh wise one.”
“My inability to get a sig other is hurting my school work. Help!”
“I've never dated someone at Bowdoin and I really want to. What's the best way to meet someone?”
Singles in Studz
Now, look. I’ve already stated in an earlier column that love is a maverick and giving love advice is useless. But once again, at your request, here I go.

Our culture is full of metanarratives about what makes a person lovable, and those metanarratives are often false, misogynistic, heteronormative and like, super ineffective. Take, for instance, the movie “Grease.” When Sandy wears hot pants and smokes cigarettes to procure Danny’s love, we learn that by changing ourselves completely, we convince people to love us and also drive off in a flying car.

 I’ve tried this, actually. Not the smoking and hot pants. The changing myself completely. It worked OK at first. I manipulated my high school lover into courting me through a flurry of crop tops and a feigned interest in “Entourage.” He then dumped me for another girl who had much higher self-esteem. Calmly accepting my heartbreak, I secretly threw that girl’s Uggs away during gym class*. There were no flying cars. I would call it a net loss.

Another love metanarrative we internalize is the myth that we will be happier in a relationship than we would be single no matter what. Instead of waiting to find a person we want to be with, we look for anyone to fill that self-made void, even if that person doesn’t fit it quite right.
I’ve done that too. In that relationship, we didn’t really like each other very much, which is kind of a prereq for a relationship. Besides, we were doomed from the beginning. The night after we started officially dating, my new boyfriend drunkenly peed on my slippers. 

I remember laying in bed that night thinking “Is this how the rest of the relationship is going to go?” And it was. Picture three long months of him metaphorically pissing on my shoes.

You might be thinking by now that I wreak footwear-related havoc wherever I go. This is not untrue. But what I’m trying to identify is that you should fall in love with people that you love just the way they are, and who love you just the way you are right back.

So Singles in Studz, try to remember that having a significant other is like, super not the most important thing.** In fact, love for love’s sake almost always ends with a broken heart and too few good memories to redeem it. Don’t steep in your own loneliness.

Instead, I would revel in your singledom. I know this isn’t satisfying. But alas, there is no build-a-bear workshop for boyfriends or girlfriends or partners. Go out and be social and do the stuff you like, the way happy single people do. Chances are if you spend your time with Bowdoin students with similar interests/values/levels of athleticism, someone will catch your eye.
That’s what happened to me two years ago. We’re still very happy. No shoes have been destroyed. At least not yet.
I also received this question about love, which I feel morally obligated to answer:

“After exchanging numbers, in a hetero pairing, isn't it in the guy's court to ask to hang out first?”

For the love of god, sweetheart. NO.

*Chloe, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry.

** The most important thing is, of course, Spicy Lentil Tacos at Thorne.